This is a love letter I wrote for the man who I love in scale 8/10
Dear You,
Thought in my lifeline, I won't write love letter anymore, because I know it's futile and I knew the feelings aren't mutual. Yet I chose to write it down whenever I found simple lessons I thought I'd never been at the page. It will be a manuscript, one day. I will keep myself sane to reread this and I believe whenever I read it, it would taught me a lesson. However I wish all these things will be about us, yet if it's not, then it would be a part of us. A piece of cake in life.
When- I could resist- not to smile- whenever I recalled the first time I've been knowing you. Never thought for a second I would love you in every kind of way. Nor about the love that grows. It's not because you weren't attractive, but because it was flowing by itself. Wasn't it?
God knows how long this unrequited feelings will last. But I don't. Although you keep the distances between us. Ditching me only means locking me down in fear of longing. I'll stay though it kills, everyday.
Then there will be a time we realize it's all about ego the one of us. Its mine.This complicated romance tales would never be mess unless I took control just like you do. I keep begging you to stay and expect everything will be reciprocal eventually.
I should've see that my heart should never take a control and being the boss but my mind. Clear mind should've led the pathway. But can you tell me what if it always been you on my mind?
Between us should be a river flows. Our feelings inside must go by the stream, take as wherever it goes. Yet you brought joyful in me. A beautiful soul that tame a storm. Then why, I rush to change where the wind blows?
You, I still reminisce every detail between us. Our dates, your smell of fragrance, time we spent together, our missed out dinner, our kisses. All the sweetness I replayed one hundred thousand times in my mind. Is it wrong if I'm here looking forward for more?
In those days you were not around, I don't even think to give up on you. I only want to relive all the times we had. I'll be waiting till you come back again. I wish to sleep in your arms, stay inside your warm embrace, showered with your kisses, or simply looking at your eyes, adore your eyebrows, get lost in your eyes, and listen all the stories from you.
You'll always be my Sagiboy. If all you need in life is time, then just take them with you. I'll keep loving you from here and will love you better next day.
When we were together, we'll never have tomorrow, then I will never give up on you. I try to love you when you're around, as long as I could have you, I will never surrender. I won't pass any chance I could have with you.
Jakarta, March 2020
18.3.20
About The Ghost in My Room
I'll tell you about the ghost inside my room. This ghost has haunting my room for quite awhile. I don't remember when she settled down for good here. All I know that she lives here. Sometimes she sleeps and give me a space to breath and having my own moment. Sometimes I scare of her presence. In another time, she would show her best version of her, being the one I don't mind to be around. Most of time, I should've fighting with her to regain my liberty.
She's actually not a ghost that will laugh and scares you in a sudden.Since she's the ghost of my room to grow. She often comes as an assumptions, bad thoughts, all negativity. She wouldn't mind to scream underneath my skin, whilst I'll try so hard to be normal and get all the mess under the control. Sometimes when I got defeated, I thought that she should've share the live with me. She will never like the idea I am the host yet. I couldn't live with something which ain't me or being possessed by something that ideally destruct me.
The worst thing happens whenever she comes as self-degradation. Yet, it always starts from the assumptions. She will never failed to shred all the tears I have. She never let me recites all the love I have- yet that's because I don't have any. There she goes! She'll be there, by the moon and under the sun I try to embrace.
All the entire evening was spent with her. Don't worry, it just the common fights we had. We argue sometimes in fair-weathered condition. She brought some stupid assumption and prejudice about the world and the virus outbreak will end. She said this virus erodes human being and will transcend homo sapiens to homo deus. Not surprising cause she's all the bad assumptions and all the negativity I handle day by day.
She saw me dormant. I didn't do anything repulse towards her. Quiescent. I will win the fight if I were still and living the life at the fullest.
She stared me in the coldest way could kill me. I knew she start attacking me and she knew my weakness.
"Dear, do you know why am I in the shape of ghost?" she asked me.
"You're just all negativity. A ghoul."
"No, that's because I live only by the night."
"What do you mean?" I was confused back then. She smirked from ear to ear. She's ready for hurting me with facts and bitter pills to shallow.
"You're the moon, my Dear." she uttered. She saw me as a prey. I was weakened. Still didn't understand but try to digest. I caught in her potion.
"Remember about people who came to your life and they left you behind eventually. No matter how you shine for them, you mean nothing. They would seek the other side of the hemisphere, find the real star. A sun." She explained as she get closer to me. She whispered to my ear. She showed me her scariest face by spill the facts.
"They left you cause you'll never been enough for them. Night is cold and thrills. Dark and sorrow. You shine as you could warm them, in fact you just a Moon. A moony insides and steal the shine from the sun." she continued. I had nothing to fight. She was right a whole time.
I am the moon. People probably adores me cause I'm shining over their darkness. I give the those balance but eventually, they will seek for the real star. A sun who shines, in a different equinox and the most importantly, sun provides them a life.
I'm telling you this never going to end. I will keep hoping people to stay, but no matter how hard I try to shine, I will never be enough for anyone else. There's always be someone that so much better to fight and being the reason to life.
The ghost was right. I defeated this time and let her consume my soul over and over again.
You know I will always be a satellite and I know I will never be enough for anyone else to keep them alive.
This time, the ghost win the fight and my energy has been depleted. She rules the room to grow in me.
She's actually not a ghost that will laugh and scares you in a sudden.Since she's the ghost of my room to grow. She often comes as an assumptions, bad thoughts, all negativity. She wouldn't mind to scream underneath my skin, whilst I'll try so hard to be normal and get all the mess under the control. Sometimes when I got defeated, I thought that she should've share the live with me. She will never like the idea I am the host yet. I couldn't live with something which ain't me or being possessed by something that ideally destruct me.
The worst thing happens whenever she comes as self-degradation. Yet, it always starts from the assumptions. She will never failed to shred all the tears I have. She never let me recites all the love I have- yet that's because I don't have any. There she goes! She'll be there, by the moon and under the sun I try to embrace.
All the entire evening was spent with her. Don't worry, it just the common fights we had. We argue sometimes in fair-weathered condition. She brought some stupid assumption and prejudice about the world and the virus outbreak will end. She said this virus erodes human being and will transcend homo sapiens to homo deus. Not surprising cause she's all the bad assumptions and all the negativity I handle day by day.
She saw me dormant. I didn't do anything repulse towards her. Quiescent. I will win the fight if I were still and living the life at the fullest.
She stared me in the coldest way could kill me. I knew she start attacking me and she knew my weakness.
"Dear, do you know why am I in the shape of ghost?" she asked me.
"You're just all negativity. A ghoul."
"No, that's because I live only by the night."
"What do you mean?" I was confused back then. She smirked from ear to ear. She's ready for hurting me with facts and bitter pills to shallow.
"You're the moon, my Dear." she uttered. She saw me as a prey. I was weakened. Still didn't understand but try to digest. I caught in her potion.
"Remember about people who came to your life and they left you behind eventually. No matter how you shine for them, you mean nothing. They would seek the other side of the hemisphere, find the real star. A sun." She explained as she get closer to me. She whispered to my ear. She showed me her scariest face by spill the facts.
"They left you cause you'll never been enough for them. Night is cold and thrills. Dark and sorrow. You shine as you could warm them, in fact you just a Moon. A moony insides and steal the shine from the sun." she continued. I had nothing to fight. She was right a whole time.
I am the moon. People probably adores me cause I'm shining over their darkness. I give the those balance but eventually, they will seek for the real star. A sun who shines, in a different equinox and the most importantly, sun provides them a life.
I'm telling you this never going to end. I will keep hoping people to stay, but no matter how hard I try to shine, I will never be enough for anyone else. There's always be someone that so much better to fight and being the reason to life.
The ghost was right. I defeated this time and let her consume my soul over and over again.
You know I will always be a satellite and I know I will never be enough for anyone else to keep them alive.
This time, the ghost win the fight and my energy has been depleted. She rules the room to grow in me.
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