About Loneliness

About loneliness I couldn't handle anymore
Whenever I check Chat, there's only work-related chat
No one asked me how am I today?
Nor about political stances
Nor about my view regardless war and history

Loneliness kills me slowly
Got me in tears few times
I just can't handle it any longer

I deliver task on time
I learn new things I have to learn
I evaluate assets
I crunch numbers

Cause I'm lonely
I have no one who will do me
or fight for me
No text left ask me how

It just me, being emotionless
and I dont wanna move on
or bring the sparks of emotion

Pertanyaan (8)

Mengapa orang lain bisa mudah saja
berkata kalau akan ada orang lain yang bisa mencintaiku
meskipun kenyataannya tidak ada satupun?

Pertanyaan (7)

Bagaimana caranya tidak menginginkan lagi
apa yang bukan untukku?

Pertanyaan (6)

Bagaimana caranya memaafkan diri sendiri
sementara memaafkan orang lain begitu mudah?

Pertanyaan (5)

Pernahkah sekali saja ada
yang mengerti
bagaimana caranya
memaafkan diri sendiri?

Pertanyaan (4)

Mengapa aku tetap menjadi lelucon
untuk mereka
dan mereka selalu
mempermalukanku?

Pertanyaan (3)

Mengapa tidak pernah
ada rasa yang serupa?

Pertanyaan (2)

Mengapa semua hal di dalam kepalaku
seperti mengulang semua hal
yang pernah terjadi
dan tidak pernah
memberikanku lebih banyak waktu
atau sekedar meminta maaf?

Pertanyaan

Mengapa tak pernah cukup
untuk membuat satu orang
menetap lebih lama
dan tidak pernah
menyerah?

Rotasi

Tidak penah mengerti
Mengapa perasaan ini terus kembali
Seperti menghilang adalah opsi terbaik
seperti pula kematian adalah cara terbaik untuk dikenal sebagai orang baik

Bagaimana, kalau ternyata aku ini hanya jiwa yang menyepi?
Sehingga kurasa, aku lebih baik pergi

November (2)

Masih sama
Masih ku dengar lagu-lagu yang pernah kita dengarkan bersama
Ketika di bus kota, atau ketika kita berjalan berdampingan, atau ketika di stasiun
Melihatmu asyik sendiri bernyanyi

Seandainya masih ada banyak hari lagi
Seandainya ada cara untuk membuatmu tetap di sini

Karena sudah kucoba untuk pergi
Tapi mengapa tidak pernah kurang sedikitpun
Rasaku

No Less

I'm letting you go because I love you
and there's still no one else that I wish to be around

I choose to go, pretend that everything will be fine

I still keep your picture, acting like I'm good but I can no longer pretend
Keeping myself busy trying to find something to do

I can love you desperately, though your love ain't guaranteed

Please don't fall in love with someone new
Let's find a way to get back
Let's find a way to love me back and build love above the mutual feelings

I'm here still not less loving you, Sagiboi

Open Letter to Sagiboy: Last Letter

Dear Sagiboy,

I'm done wasting all emotions, falling in love with a ghost I'd never had
Even there's no chance to slip into your mind
I love you, you know it, and probably I'm still in love with you on the day you read this

I know it's you whose taken down the pictures on the post before this - that I'd already took it down either
But that's okay, since you asked me to never post anything on the internet out of your concern. And I'd passed through the boundaries.
Even on my private blog, whereas no one visit it either
This is just my journal, nobody knows about this page
But it just you whose having the super high insecurities and I swear to God it kills
It will kill you the way it kills my feelings over you

I passed the boundaries, I lost on the fun game you offered
I lost it since the beginning though it feels like a winning

Sagiboi, I have a book, the pink one with dinosaurs and junkies on the cover
I write everything about you there
About us and how I grew the feelings over you
One day, after this quarantine done, I'll send it to you. So I dont have to feel bad of loving someone anymore.

May be right now you could investing love to someone else
But not for me, yes it's another bitter pills to shallow

Sagiboy,

If I'm leaving today, it's not because I'm loving you less nor because I've been giving up on you
I'll go because there's nothing else I could do to make you happy
I'm going because you ask me to do it so, so I have to believe you could be happy
and I also do that because I've been loving you too much even when you're not around.
For the sake of love I have and for the love you never had any.

Goodbye.

November Now and Then

This is a love letter I wrote for the man who I love in scale 8/10

Dear You,

Thought in my lifeline, I won't write love letter anymore, because I know it's futile and I knew the feelings aren't mutual. Yet I chose to write it down whenever I found simple lessons I thought I'd never been at the page. It will be a manuscript, one day. I will keep myself sane to reread this and I believe whenever I read it, it would taught me a lesson. However I wish all these things will be about us, yet if it's not, then it would be a part of us. A piece of cake in life.

When- I could resist- not to smile- whenever I recalled the first time I've been knowing you. Never thought for a second I would love you in every kind of way. Nor about the love that grows. It's not because you weren't attractive, but because it was flowing by itself. Wasn't it?

God knows how long this unrequited feelings will last. But I don't. Although you keep the distances between us. Ditching me only means locking me down in fear of longing. I'll stay though it kills, everyday.

Then there will be a time we realize it's all about ego the one of us. Its mine.This complicated romance tales would never be mess unless I took control just like you do. I keep begging you to stay and expect everything will be reciprocal eventually.

I should've see that my heart should never take a control and being the boss but my mind. Clear mind should've led the pathway. But can you tell me what if it always been you on my mind?

Between us should be a river flows. Our feelings inside must go by the stream, take as wherever it goes. Yet you brought joyful in me. A beautiful soul that tame a storm. Then why, I rush to change where the wind blows?

You, I still reminisce every detail between us. Our dates, your smell of fragrance, time we spent together, our missed out dinner, our kisses. All the sweetness I replayed one hundred thousand times in my mind. Is it wrong if I'm here looking forward for more?

In those days you were not around, I don't even think to give up on you. I only want to relive all the times we had. I'll be waiting till you come back again. I wish to sleep in your arms, stay inside your warm embrace, showered with your kisses, or simply looking at your eyes, adore your eyebrows, get lost in your eyes, and listen all the stories from you.

You'll always be my Sagiboy. If all you need in life is time, then just take them with you. I'll keep loving you from here and will love you better next day.

When we were together, we'll never have tomorrow, then I will never give up on you. I try to love you when you're around, as long as I could have you, I will never surrender. I won't pass any chance I could have with you.

Jakarta, March 2020

About The Ghost in My Room

I'll tell you about the ghost inside my room. This ghost has haunting my room for quite awhile. I don't remember when she settled down for good here. All I know that she lives here. Sometimes she sleeps and give me a space to breath and having my own moment. Sometimes I scare of her presence. In another time, she would show her best version of her, being the one I don't mind to be around. Most of time, I should've fighting with her to regain my liberty.

She's actually not a ghost that will laugh and scares you in a sudden.Since she's the ghost of my room to grow. She often comes as an assumptions, bad thoughts, all negativity. She wouldn't mind to scream underneath my skin, whilst I'll try so hard to be normal and get all the mess under the control. Sometimes when I got defeated, I thought that she should've share the live with me. She will never like the idea I am the host yet. I couldn't live with something which ain't me or being possessed by something that ideally destruct me.

The worst thing happens whenever she comes as self-degradation. Yet, it always starts from the assumptions. She will never failed to shred all the tears I have. She never let me recites all the love I have- yet that's because I don't have any. There she goes! She'll be there, by the moon and under the sun I try to embrace.

All the entire evening was spent with her. Don't worry, it just the common fights we had. We argue sometimes in fair-weathered condition. She brought some stupid assumption and prejudice about the world and the virus outbreak will end. She said this virus erodes human being and will transcend homo sapiens to homo deus. Not surprising cause she's all the bad assumptions and all the negativity I handle day by day.

She saw me dormant. I didn't do anything repulse towards her. Quiescent. I will win the fight if I were still and living the life at the fullest.

She stared me in the coldest way could kill me. I knew she start attacking me and she knew my weakness.

"Dear, do you know why am I in the shape of ghost?" she asked me.

"You're just all negativity. A ghoul."

"No, that's because I live only by the night."

"What do you mean?" I was confused back then. She smirked from ear to ear. She's ready for hurting me with facts and bitter pills to shallow.

"You're the moon, my Dear." she uttered. She saw me as a prey. I was weakened. Still didn't understand but try to digest. I caught in her potion.

"Remember about people who came to your life and they left you behind eventually. No matter how you shine for them, you mean nothing. They would seek the other side of the hemisphere, find the real star. A sun." She explained as she get closer to me. She whispered to my ear. She showed me her scariest face by spill the facts.

"They left you cause you'll never been enough for them. Night is cold and thrills. Dark and sorrow. You shine as you could warm them, in fact you just a Moon. A moony insides and steal the shine from the sun." she continued. I had nothing to fight. She was right a whole time.

I am the moon. People probably adores me cause I'm shining over their darkness. I give the those balance but eventually, they will seek for the real star. A sun who shines, in a different equinox and the most importantly, sun provides them a life.

I'm telling you this never going to end. I will keep hoping people to stay, but no matter how hard I try to shine, I will never be enough for anyone else. There's always be someone that so much better to fight and being the reason to life.

The ghost was right. I defeated this time and let her consume my soul over and over again.

You know I will always be a satellite and I know I will never be enough for anyone else to keep them alive.

This time, the ghost win the fight and my energy has been depleted. She rules the room to grow in me.

November

Entah dari kapan aku ketagihan menangis

Seperti rasanya semua bisa selesai meskipun sesungguhnya tidak

Aku menangis lagi

Menangisi kehilangan

Menangisi rasa rindu dan kekosongan

Aku rindu kamu, kamu butuh ruang

Keduanya tidak pernah cocok untuk bernaung di bawah satu atap

Bila kukatakan rindu

Tidak akan mengubah apapun

Mungkin rasa ini hanya aku yang punya

Meskipun aku tidak pernah ingin kita usai

Escape

I've been trying to define what's actually perfect moniker to call you
Honeybee?
Heartthrob?
Home?

Life's so unfair for me, so does to you. Then we can call it fair enough.
You know under the moonlight, everything was beaming
There's new define color when I spent a whole night to the morning with you
You were silly guy with a big fire sign energy
You're warm as the sun when I felt its cold and lonely
You poured a color to my blue
Everything was mundane and nobody would expect it so

I like you, so much I can't hide
Whenever I saw smile on your face, it brought the light insight of me
What do we afraid now?
If 90% of your time should've been yours, I will be the rest 10% to fill in

You were the first guy who took me to field and watching the game
Your embrace always been the warmest, I crave to it everyday
Preparing your lunch is the spirit I need to wake up every morning
even I forgot there's mountain to climb
And when you called me pretty
You have no idea that my heart burst out, haven't sweetheart?

I've been starting to realize that the small and simple feeling grows
Please forget what I have in the past, cause I have to move on
And you're my favorite guy today

Bitter/Strange

I don't know it just feel no longer the same
the way you kiss me
I wish there's still me, somewhere else in your thoughts
because if its no longer me, and you're no longer mine
my wings would break into pieces
i know exactly the feeling being undesirable

baby i'm calling you
please don't go
i don't wanna get my ass back to the road
the winter inside of you
rule me out
feelings fade and people change
but
i won't let this happen twice

Dance, Till The Beat Drop

Dear my people,

Having you, guys, are amazing. You always have my back.

I love you, my pretty people

Indah

Sherli

Bestari

Adhit

Surat Untuk Kau Yang Selalu Tidak Memikirkanku

Aku merindukanmu, tapi bukan rindu yang harus ku katakan.
Selama ini pertemuan kita selalu bersifat rahasia dan entah kenapa setelah itu hari-hariku menjadi berantakan.
Aku merindukanmu semata-mata bukan karena aku mencintaimu, tapi mungkin ada beberapa hal yang tertinggal
Kita menghabiskan beberapa malam berharga - paling tidak buatku, membuatku menyadari kalau di dunia ini terlalu banyak hal yang ku inginkan tapi tidak pernah bisa aku miliki
Jujur aku menginginkanmu untuk selalu persisten ada di saat aku membutuhkanmu
Seperti saat ini aku setengah mati merindukanmu
Meskipun aku tahu kau bersama orang yang sangat-sangat kau cintai
dan aku juga telah bersama orang lain yang mencintaiku
Tapi ketika denganmu, aku memiliki banyak rasa

Mungkin memang benar, di dunia ini kita tidak akan pernah memiliki semua hal yang kita inginkan, karena itu akan membuat kita menjadi serakah
Tapi hanya denganmu aku ingin serakah.
Aku ingin menciummu sampai habis napasku, aku ingin tidur dalam pelukanmu, lalu bangun di tengah malam dan memastikan kau mengenakan selimut
Atau- kita bisa berada di bawah selimut yang sama
Aku banyak belajar hal-hal besar darimu
Dimanapun kau berada, semoga kau sadar kalau aku selalu memikirkanmu.

There She Goes, There She Goes Away

She won’t ask you to stay because she’s already got a support system who loves her.
Really loves her.
Loves her for exactly who she is.
She knows the people who matter are the people who never even think about leaving.
She wants security.
She wants comfort.
She doesn’t want to waste time on someone she can’t count on.
She won’t ask you to stay because she knows her own worth.

Because after the rain she passed by, eventually she found a home.
Home that she's been away looking for.
Where she knows her worth and why does she choose to never looking back.
She felt pain after pain.
Now she's no longer in transit.

Menari Dengan Iblis

Mencintai Azen sama dengan tidak mencintainya sama sekali.
Tidak ada yang ingin mengenalnya lebih jauh.

Mencintai Azen tanpa henti juga berarti sama dengan tidak mengenalnya sama sekali.
Laki-laki itu bisa tiba di apartemenku malam hari saat aku menangis karena haid hari pertamaku yang mengerikan. Ia bisa membawakan sandwich tuna kesukaanku dan kita bisa menonton satu series sampai habis.

Azen yang dingin juga bisa sama sekali tidak datang saat aku menghubunginya dan saat aku membutuhkannya. Ketika aku sakit parah dan sangat sendirian dan aku meninggalkan ratusan pesan, ia hanya membacanya saja.

Di satu hari tubuhnya yang tinggi besar itu bisa menindihku dan menciumiku dengan penuh kehangatan dan rasa cinta.
Di hari berikutnya ia bisa mendiamkanku habis-habisan. Setiap memori indah yang kuhabiskan bersamanya selalu ku ingat setiap detilnya.

Sementara di hari-hari lainnya aku selalu menangis dalam kesendirian.

Mungkin ini kesalahanku untuk mencintainya sedalam mungkin sementara ia tidak. Bahkan ketika suatu hari ia mengatakan bahwa mencintaiku adalah suatu kemustahilan.
Azen bisa membuatku menangis habis-habisan sekaligus orang yang sangat kubutuhkan. Meski aku tahu yang ia inginkan hanya hubungan intim penuh rahasia antara kami berdua.

Ia adalah laki-laki yang pada pagi hari bisa meninggalkanku tanpa jejak dan berminggu-minggu tanpa kabar. Wangi sandalwoodnya bisa menempel di tubuhku berhari-hari, membuatku mabuk kepayang Aku selalu memaafkannya ketika ia datang kembali.

Melihat senyum di wajahnya, atau merasakan manis bibirnya. Aku begitu mencintainya sampai rasa sakit tak tertangguhkan selalu datang. Ia tidak muncul dalam waktu yang sangat lama, tidak satupun pesanku ia tanggapi.
Teleponku tidak pernah diangkat.

dan aku selalu merindukannya.
 Mencintainya sama dengan tidak mencintainya sama sekali
 Aku tidak mengenal siapa Azen sebenarnya.

 ***
Mobil-mobilan kecil itu berhenti tepat di depan tumitku. Aku berjongkok untuk mengambilnya. Tak lama seorang anak kecil menghampiriku.
 "Ini milikmu?" tanyaku pada anak laki-laki itu. Ia mengangguk.
Aku segera memberikan mainan itu padanya.

"Terimakasih," katanya. Senyumnya familiar. Hatiku berdegup.

"Ayo Raf, kita pulang. Mama sudah selesai berbelanja!" Seru suara berat yang menghampiri anak itu.
Suara yang sudah lama sekali tidak aku dengar.
Aku mengangkat wajahku, menahan hatiku yang berdegup dengan keras.
Semetara anak kecil itu berlari ke pelukan suara yang ku rindukan.
Aku hanya bisa mengangkat alisku, tidak tahu harus apa.

Kalian sudah tahu bahwa pria itu Azen.

"Ayo Papa! Buruuu!" Seru anak itu.

Sementara Azen hanya tersenyum kecil. Aku merindukannya dan sekarang kami harus berpura-pura seakan tidak pernah terjadi apapun di antara kita, bahkan saling mengenalpun tidak.

Sementara aku hanya balas tersenyum kecil, kemudian berbalik badan. Menahan air mata yang akan tertumpah. Ia tidak pernah peduli aku mencintainya.

Catatan: Tentang Mencintai

Hai!
Sudah lama sekali aku tidak menulis catatan di blog ini. Banyak hal yang sedang berkecambuk di kepalaku sebenarnya. Tentang pekerjaan, tentang renccana melanjutkan studi, tenatang bagaimana aku melewati bermacam masa-masa kontemplatif yang mengubahku. Tetapi baiklah, karena blogku yang satu ini berisi catatan tentang cinta-cintaan, maka aku ingin membuat catatan yang relevan apabila bertahun-tahun dari sekarang ku baca kembali.

Jadi, mungkin kalian tahu, terakhir aku menjalin hubungan dengan seseorang, hubungan itu tidak berjalan dengan baik. Banyak orang yang mengatakan bahwa aku memberi terlalu banyak dalam hubunganku, sehingga mudah saja bagi partnerku meninggalkanku begitu saja. Membiarkan ia tidak mencintaku dan kemudian mencari orang lain.
Di mataku, mantan partnerku ini adalah orang yang berhati besar, sangat baik hati dengan idealisme yang sangat persisten. Sekilas orang mengatakan ia adalah pribadi yang kejam dengan meninggalkanku yang berusaha mencintainya mati-matian.
Tapi, aku melihat semuanya berbalik sekarang.
Hubungan kami sudah berakhir dua tahun yang lalu namun sampai beberapa saat aku masih tidak bisa melupakannya.
Agak terlalu lama buatku menerima kalau dia memang tidak pernah ditakdirkan untuk menjadi pasanganku.
Tapi ada satu hal yang aku pelajari dari hubunganku dengannya.

Aku menyadari bahwa akulah yang buruk dalam hubungan ini. Sekilas semuanya terlihat baik-baik saja. Aku memacari semua keinginannya. Aku ingin melihatnya sukses. Aku ingin menjadikan dia seseorang yang hebat.
Tanpa aku sadari, ini semua bukan tentang perasaanku melainkan tentang egoku.
Aku masih tidak mengerti bagaimana mencintai orang lain dengan tulus. Dalam hubungan kami, semua hanya ada obsesiku. Betul, egoku adalah ingin menjadi partner yang paling sempurna untuknya, bukan menjadi seseorang untuk dicintainya.

Ketika ia meninggalkanku, aku menangis karena aku merasa ia memutus cita-citaku. Padahal kesuksesan yang seharusnya partnerku raih adalah urusannya sendiri. Aku selalu ingin menjadi superior dalam hubunganku. Di situlah letak kesalahanku.
Kukira seharusnya aku hanya perlu menjadi partner, bukan leader apalagi superior.
Aku seharusnya berpacu dengan diriku sendiri dan partnerku mendukungnya. Semua seharusnya berjalan secara kasual.

Sekarang aku ingin sendirian\
Baiklah, bukan sendirian. Akan tetapi aku harus betul-betul tahu apa yang aku inginkan dari pasanganku.
Aku berdoa pada Tuhan, supaya orang yang baru akan hadir di saat aku sudah siap untuk memulai semuanya dengan baik.
Aku tidak terlalu memikirkannya. Maksudku, aku ingin saat aku sudah sangat siap menjadi seorang partner hidup untuk seseorang, kelak saat aku siap untuk mencintai dengan apa adanya.

Jakarta, 20 Juni 2018

The King

Hey King try to put out your crown
See if they still bent their knees for you?
Hows to live surround by ladies
While they only fuck with your four wheels
When simply they only like a guy in music while they were young
But they ain't listen to you

What if one day you replaced by a guy in suit and tie
Without money in your account
Now spilled it out
Like they care

See, King, how many girls at the club won't easily chase your presence?
While I effort nothing could get the best; but that's not my game
Ain't said my life is better than yours
But I put my priority like they care

King, How can you be so filthy yet so innocent
You said, "Better climb the stairs to get the stars."
But I see you floating on air
Yet, whatcha holding on?

What if one day you replaced by a guy in suit and tie
Without money in your account
Now spilled it out
Like they care
Like they care how you pay your bills
Like they care struggle of these past years
Like they care for the way I did
Like they care

Mesin Merana

Is anyone there? 
Oh- (Play) 

Who survived?
Somebody new?
Anyone else but you?
On a lonely night
Was a burning light
A hundred leaders will be born with you

And though I know, since you’ve awakened her again
She depends on you, she depends on you 
She'll go alone,
and never speak of this again

We depend on you, we depend on you

And though I know,
since you’ve awakened her again
She depends on you, she depends on you
She'll go alone, and never speak of this again

We depend on you, we depend

(I depend)
on you

I don’t know much about your life beyond these walls
The fleeting sense of love within these God-forsaken walls
And I can hear it in his voice, in every call;
"This girl who slept a hundred years has something after all" 

And though I know, since you’ve awakened her again
She depends on you,
she depends on you

I'll go on, and never speak of you again 

We depend on you, we depend on you

And though I know since you’ve awakened her again
She depends on you, she depends on you
She'll go on,
and never speak of this again

We depend on you,
we depend on you