Mirror

Sometimes, it just me who wants to be your type, ticking all the boxes you've been dreaming of in a woman

Although I'd never knew what's the girl you genuinely yearn for

Neither read your mind or swim deep into it

the sanctuary like a holy place

It just me who grow my hair long

wearing the dress

and act less intimidating

it just me who act like I could've become

All I want to be is yours

Lucky

I won't say the words to depict him like I love him in a brimmed of love galore, or I keep missing him everyday; not also the one I would love to see in the morning; or loving harder than usual. I also won't say he's my one or the one that couldn't feel more right to keep as a companion. I said these to the people before him, and look where am I now ended up with.

This man just there- knowing his existence were so close, so right. We crossed out path few times, while we were blinded by the plastic love we thought we deserve. Even at some events we attended, yet we were a total stranger with familiar faces.

If you might say - some people may come and go because it will left us with a lesson or two, sounds non-sense until the day this guy showed up and next minute I knew this is the reason why I had to through all these wounds.

He's probably the color I've been looking for.

I started my 28-years old by crying in his car just because I hate how this life give me everything that makes me insufficient to be somebody. He just be the one who said I'm so much more than myself thought. A warmest and perpetual calm I deserve anyway.  I'm telling you its even easier to love him genuinely. He's everything I wanted during a lifetime crushing-someone, a guy in soccer team, a guy in band as well; a typical city boy with a hopeless romantic feature. Anywhere with him feels right.

He's vibing on pov's ariana grande song.

Even, he's now living up the beautiful memories I had with someone else; meaning the taste, the excitement, and the joy; its like something I had with him in a while.

He doesn't mind to call me gorgeous everyday although I'm ugly as hell. He's looking me in the eyes like has been searching hundred years ago. He doesn't have any idea how cute his gap teeth, how he laugh or every time when we banter each other. I love how vast his chest and comforting his arms.

I guess he's not a mundane kind of guy. He's got an inner power I believe no one resistible from.

He's the sun in my Sunday morning.

I just never knew how kind a life could be, it just allows me to be this lucky to always having David. That's more than what I've been asked for.

Jakarta, November 2021

Year-1

 I guess one thing that the pandemic taught 

was the only thought that the city will never be the same without you

because the last time before everything happens, there was you

then it left somehow,

somewhere, which never drafting us

and the shadows still

and marks remain undone

and the same trees as your screen

I would just be there, rooting you out

with the same age, similar faces

but time and space

and the dimension we'd never shared

Tujuanku

 Menemukan David bukan hal yang pernah ku sangka

Setelah ratusan tangis dan berbagai harapan patah

Setelah mencoba berbagai hal yang kuharap berakhir indah namun berakhir nestapa

Menemukan David akhirnya tidak pernah terduga

Karena saat menemukannya, kukira akan berakhir derita serupa

Sabda Rindu

Berteman sepi berkawan kelam 
Di sudut ruang menata hati 
Selami makna yang menyapa kalbu 
Untuk selaksa relung tertawan rindu 

Wahai malam kupanggil engkau
Bukan dengan rasa dendam 
Lepaskan segala syair yang meredam
Maka bawalah salam penawar sendu

Ku rindu
Lebih baik katakan apa adanya 
Bila memang rindu 
Ku rindu
Karena waktu takkan mampu berpihak
Pada perasaan yang meragu

Kurayu malam kubelai sunyi
Bukan dengan rasa dendam
Luruhkan lara yang menikam kalbu
Maka bawalah salam penawar sendu

Risalah asa yang terikat
Yang membawa sabda rindu
Kan kutempuh semua perjalanan
Untuk pulang ke hatimu

Jangan

Kumohon jangan pernah kembali
Jangan pernah ada maaf
Jangan pernah muncul di hadapanku

Kumohon jangan pernah adalagi
Jangan biarkan aku tahu tentangmu
Jangan biarkan aku menghancurkan apa yang sudah aku tumbuhkan dengan susah payah

Aku tidak membencimu
Justru mencintaimu seperti aku menghirup udara
Tidak pernah terlihat, tapi aku bersamanya
Jangan muncul lagi bukan karena aku membencimu
Karena tidak pernah kurang sedikitpun rasaku

Mencintaimu itu sulit, menghapusmu lebih sulit lagi
Jangan pernah kembali
Kalau hanya ingin melihatku hancur berkeping

About Loneliness

About loneliness I couldn't handle anymore
Whenever I check Chat, there's only work-related chat
No one asked me how am I today?
Nor about political stances
Nor about my view regardless war and history

Loneliness kills me slowly
Got me in tears few times
I just can't handle it any longer

I deliver task on time
I learn new things I have to learn
I evaluate assets
I crunch numbers

Cause I'm lonely
I have no one who will do me
or fight for me
No text left ask me how

It just me, being emotionless
and I dont wanna move on
or bring the sparks of emotion

Pertanyaan (8)

Mengapa orang lain bisa mudah saja
berkata kalau akan ada orang lain yang bisa mencintaiku
meskipun kenyataannya tidak ada satupun?

Pertanyaan (7)

Bagaimana caranya tidak menginginkan lagi
apa yang bukan untukku?

Pertanyaan (6)

Bagaimana caranya memaafkan diri sendiri
sementara memaafkan orang lain begitu mudah?

Pertanyaan (5)

Pernahkah sekali saja ada
yang mengerti
bagaimana caranya
memaafkan diri sendiri?

Pertanyaan (4)

Mengapa aku tetap menjadi lelucon
untuk mereka
dan mereka selalu
mempermalukanku?

Pertanyaan (3)

Mengapa tidak pernah
ada rasa yang serupa?

Pertanyaan (2)

Mengapa semua hal di dalam kepalaku
seperti mengulang semua hal
yang pernah terjadi
dan tidak pernah
memberikanku lebih banyak waktu
atau sekedar meminta maaf?

Pertanyaan

Mengapa tak pernah cukup
untuk membuat satu orang
menetap lebih lama
dan tidak pernah
menyerah?

Rotasi

Tidak penah mengerti
Mengapa perasaan ini terus kembali
Seperti menghilang adalah opsi terbaik
seperti pula kematian adalah cara terbaik untuk dikenal sebagai orang baik

Bagaimana, kalau ternyata aku ini hanya jiwa yang menyepi?
Sehingga kurasa, aku lebih baik pergi

November (2)

Masih sama
Masih ku dengar lagu-lagu yang pernah kita dengarkan bersama
Ketika di bus kota, atau ketika kita berjalan berdampingan, atau ketika di stasiun
Melihatmu asyik sendiri bernyanyi

Seandainya masih ada banyak hari lagi
Seandainya ada cara untuk membuatmu tetap di sini

Karena sudah kucoba untuk pergi
Tapi mengapa tidak pernah kurang sedikitpun
Rasaku

No Less

I'm letting you go because I love you
and there's still no one else that I wish to be around

I choose to go, pretend that everything will be fine

I still keep your picture, acting like I'm good but I can no longer pretend
Keeping myself busy trying to find something to do

I can love you desperately, though your love ain't guaranteed

Please don't fall in love with someone new
Let's find a way to get back
Let's find a way to love me back and build love above the mutual feelings

I'm here still not less loving you, Sagiboi

Open Letter to Sagiboy: Last Letter

Dear Sagiboy,

I'm done wasting all emotions, falling in love with a ghost I'd never had
Even there's no chance to slip into your mind
I love you, you know it, and probably I'm still in love with you on the day you read this

I know it's you whose taken down the pictures on the post before this - that I'd already took it down either
But that's okay, since you asked me to never post anything on the internet out of your concern. And I'd passed through the boundaries.
Even on my private blog, whereas no one visit it either
This is just my journal, nobody knows about this page
But it just you whose having the super high insecurities and I swear to God it kills
It will kill you the way it kills my feelings over you

I passed the boundaries, I lost on the fun game you offered
I lost it since the beginning though it feels like a winning

Sagiboi, I have a book, the pink one with dinosaurs and junkies on the cover
I write everything about you there
About us and how I grew the feelings over you
One day, after this quarantine done, I'll send it to you. So I dont have to feel bad of loving someone anymore.

May be right now you could investing love to someone else
But not for me, yes it's another bitter pills to shallow

Sagiboy,

If I'm leaving today, it's not because I'm loving you less nor because I've been giving up on you
I'll go because there's nothing else I could do to make you happy
I'm going because you ask me to do it so, so I have to believe you could be happy
and I also do that because I've been loving you too much even when you're not around.
For the sake of love I have and for the love you never had any.

Goodbye.

November Now and Then

This is a love letter I wrote for the man who I love in scale 8/10

Dear You,

Thought in my lifeline, I won't write love letter anymore, because I know it's futile and I knew the feelings aren't mutual. Yet I chose to write it down whenever I found simple lessons I thought I'd never been at the page. It will be a manuscript, one day. I will keep myself sane to reread this and I believe whenever I read it, it would taught me a lesson. However I wish all these things will be about us, yet if it's not, then it would be a part of us. A piece of cake in life.

When- I could resist- not to smile- whenever I recalled the first time I've been knowing you. Never thought for a second I would love you in every kind of way. Nor about the love that grows. It's not because you weren't attractive, but because it was flowing by itself. Wasn't it?

God knows how long this unrequited feelings will last. But I don't. Although you keep the distances between us. Ditching me only means locking me down in fear of longing. I'll stay though it kills, everyday.

Then there will be a time we realize it's all about ego the one of us. Its mine.This complicated romance tales would never be mess unless I took control just like you do. I keep begging you to stay and expect everything will be reciprocal eventually.

I should've see that my heart should never take a control and being the boss but my mind. Clear mind should've led the pathway. But can you tell me what if it always been you on my mind?

Between us should be a river flows. Our feelings inside must go by the stream, take as wherever it goes. Yet you brought joyful in me. A beautiful soul that tame a storm. Then why, I rush to change where the wind blows?

You, I still reminisce every detail between us. Our dates, your smell of fragrance, time we spent together, our missed out dinner, our kisses. All the sweetness I replayed one hundred thousand times in my mind. Is it wrong if I'm here looking forward for more?

In those days you were not around, I don't even think to give up on you. I only want to relive all the times we had. I'll be waiting till you come back again. I wish to sleep in your arms, stay inside your warm embrace, showered with your kisses, or simply looking at your eyes, adore your eyebrows, get lost in your eyes, and listen all the stories from you.

You'll always be my Sagiboy. If all you need in life is time, then just take them with you. I'll keep loving you from here and will love you better next day.

When we were together, we'll never have tomorrow, then I will never give up on you. I try to love you when you're around, as long as I could have you, I will never surrender. I won't pass any chance I could have with you.

Jakarta, March 2020

About The Ghost in My Room

I'll tell you about the ghost inside my room. This ghost has haunting my room for quite awhile. I don't remember when she settled down for good here. All I know that she lives here. Sometimes she sleeps and give me a space to breath and having my own moment. Sometimes I scare of her presence. In another time, she would show her best version of her, being the one I don't mind to be around. Most of time, I should've fighting with her to regain my liberty.

She's actually not a ghost that will laugh and scares you in a sudden.Since she's the ghost of my room to grow. She often comes as an assumptions, bad thoughts, all negativity. She wouldn't mind to scream underneath my skin, whilst I'll try so hard to be normal and get all the mess under the control. Sometimes when I got defeated, I thought that she should've share the live with me. She will never like the idea I am the host yet. I couldn't live with something which ain't me or being possessed by something that ideally destruct me.

The worst thing happens whenever she comes as self-degradation. Yet, it always starts from the assumptions. She will never failed to shred all the tears I have. She never let me recites all the love I have- yet that's because I don't have any. There she goes! She'll be there, by the moon and under the sun I try to embrace.

All the entire evening was spent with her. Don't worry, it just the common fights we had. We argue sometimes in fair-weathered condition. She brought some stupid assumption and prejudice about the world and the virus outbreak will end. She said this virus erodes human being and will transcend homo sapiens to homo deus. Not surprising cause she's all the bad assumptions and all the negativity I handle day by day.

She saw me dormant. I didn't do anything repulse towards her. Quiescent. I will win the fight if I were still and living the life at the fullest.

She stared me in the coldest way could kill me. I knew she start attacking me and she knew my weakness.

"Dear, do you know why am I in the shape of ghost?" she asked me.

"You're just all negativity. A ghoul."

"No, that's because I live only by the night."

"What do you mean?" I was confused back then. She smirked from ear to ear. She's ready for hurting me with facts and bitter pills to shallow.

"You're the moon, my Dear." she uttered. She saw me as a prey. I was weakened. Still didn't understand but try to digest. I caught in her potion.

"Remember about people who came to your life and they left you behind eventually. No matter how you shine for them, you mean nothing. They would seek the other side of the hemisphere, find the real star. A sun." She explained as she get closer to me. She whispered to my ear. She showed me her scariest face by spill the facts.

"They left you cause you'll never been enough for them. Night is cold and thrills. Dark and sorrow. You shine as you could warm them, in fact you just a Moon. A moony insides and steal the shine from the sun." she continued. I had nothing to fight. She was right a whole time.

I am the moon. People probably adores me cause I'm shining over their darkness. I give the those balance but eventually, they will seek for the real star. A sun who shines, in a different equinox and the most importantly, sun provides them a life.

I'm telling you this never going to end. I will keep hoping people to stay, but no matter how hard I try to shine, I will never be enough for anyone else. There's always be someone that so much better to fight and being the reason to life.

The ghost was right. I defeated this time and let her consume my soul over and over again.

You know I will always be a satellite and I know I will never be enough for anyone else to keep them alive.

This time, the ghost win the fight and my energy has been depleted. She rules the room to grow in me.

November

Entah dari kapan aku ketagihan menangis

Seperti rasanya semua bisa selesai meskipun sesungguhnya tidak

Aku menangis lagi

Menangisi kehilangan

Menangisi rasa rindu dan kekosongan

Aku rindu kamu, kamu butuh ruang

Keduanya tidak pernah cocok untuk bernaung di bawah satu atap

Bila kukatakan rindu

Tidak akan mengubah apapun

Mungkin rasa ini hanya aku yang punya

Meskipun aku tidak pernah ingin kita usai

Escape

I've been trying to define what's actually perfect moniker to call you
Honeybee?
Heartthrob?
Home?

Life's so unfair for me, so does to you. Then we can call it fair enough.
You know under the moonlight, everything was beaming
There's new define color when I spent a whole night to the morning with you
You were silly guy with a big fire sign energy
You're warm as the sun when I felt its cold and lonely
You poured a color to my blue
Everything was mundane and nobody would expect it so

I like you, so much I can't hide
Whenever I saw smile on your face, it brought the light insight of me
What do we afraid now?
If 90% of your time should've been yours, I will be the rest 10% to fill in

You were the first guy who took me to field and watching the game
Your embrace always been the warmest, I crave to it everyday
Preparing your lunch is the spirit I need to wake up every morning
even I forgot there's mountain to climb
And when you called me pretty
You have no idea that my heart burst out, haven't sweetheart?

I've been starting to realize that the small and simple feeling grows
Please forget what I have in the past, cause I have to move on
And you're my favorite guy today

Bitter/Strange

I don't know it just feel no longer the same
the way you kiss me
I wish there's still me, somewhere else in your thoughts
because if its no longer me, and you're no longer mine
my wings would break into pieces
i know exactly the feeling being undesirable

baby i'm calling you
please don't go
i don't wanna get my ass back to the road
the winter inside of you
rule me out
feelings fade and people change
but
i won't let this happen twice

Dance, Till The Beat Drop

Dear my people,

Having you, guys, are amazing. You always have my back.

I love you, my pretty people

Indah

Sherli

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